


I'll be fine I swear. I'm just gone beyond repair.

by Abbypd



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 12:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2109567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbypd/pseuds/Abbypd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael hated everyone who had ever told him that ‘it would get better.’</p><p>It didn’t.</p><p>Or where Michael is depressed and he thinks Luke might be his remedy. It doesn't really work that way though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be fine I swear. I'm just gone beyond repair.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is quite dark and if you're triggered easily, don't read it.
> 
> mentions of self harm and suicide.
> 
> There might be some spelling mistakes and stuff. please tell me so I can change that. It's late and I really wanted to post this rn because Im actually quite proud of this one. :$

Michael hated everyone who had ever told him that ‘it would get better.’

 

It didn’t.

 

The boy was turning eighteen in just a few weeks and senior year was about to start. He was not ready; not ready to celebrate a birthday and pretend everything was okay and he was not ready to make tests and go to prom and do meaningless shit every single day.

 

He was, in his own words, ‘to suicidal to function’.

 

His mum had been the first to tell him that things would get better. He was eleven when he came home from school, cheeks wet from the tears. It wasn’t the first time and it most definitely wouldn’t be the last. He didn’t even know why the kids were bullying him; he had never done anything wrong.

He had been bullied since third grade, and it was only getting worse. Michael felt like an outcast. He had one friend, Calum, who stuck with him through everything, but Calum couldn’t stop the bullying and he couldn’t stop Michael from hating himself. He didn’t even know why, but he had learned that something was wrong with him, because why else would he receive all this hate?

 

Michael was eleven when he thought about suicide for the first time. Not that he planned on doing it, but he just thought about all the people who had ever done it. He had never understood how someone could take their own life, but now he was starting to. He understood why they did it, and he knew that if things weren’t getting better, he’d eventually do it too.

 

The boy had started cutting at age fourteen, and now, four years later, his whole body was covered in scars. He tried not to cut on places where people could see though, but his upper arms, upper legs and his entire torso were covered in scars and fresh cuts. It wasn’t enough. He felt like he deserved more.

 

He didn’t just cut because he thought he deserved the pain. It was a way of escaping his thoughts for a while. Whenever his thoughts were too loud, and his whole body was hurting from the stress he felt inside of him, he would just bleed it out.

 

If someone had told him he’d hurt himself like that back when he was eight, he would’ve never believed them.

 

Michael was a punk. He had never felt like he belonged, so he liked to stand out, to be different. He felt different. He wore black all the time, because that was what he was. Black.

His hair was always another colour because he thought it looked cool and because it made him special. He figured he’d rather embrace his differentness than hiding it and feeling even more miserable.

 

Calum had accepted it a long time ago and he listened to the same music and wore the same band shirts as his best friend. Even though he looked way too cute to be punk, Michael appreciated everything the boy did for him. Calum stuck with Michael through everything and even though he had other friends and Michael did not, he still spent most of his time with the suicidal boy.

 

Calum knew a lot about Michael, though not everything. He knew the boy harmed himself, but he didn’t know how bad it was and he had never actually seen it. He knew Michael thought about killing himself every now and then but the older boy had never told him it was all he could think about.

 

\---

 

The now purple haired boy thought he’d never feel an emotion again. He had been sad for years but lately, he felt nothing, was empty. He figured his heart had been broken to many times to function properly, and he didn’t really mind feeling nothing. At least he didn’t feel sad the entire time. He was content with the lack of emotion inside of him. He didn’t cry anymore and he didn’t even flinch whenever the knife hit his skin. It was like his whole life was a movie, as cheesy as it sounds. He could see everything what happened in it, but he didn’t actually register it. When his grandmother died, he didn’t really think much of it; it was just another misfortune in his life he didn’t feel. He didn’t cry over her, because he was jealous she was able to leave this world before him, even though he knew that was selfish.

Sure, it hurt a bit when he saw his family cry, and they all shot him weird glances when they noticed his blank stares but they didn’t mention it. Most people in the family knew about his state of mind and they just let him.

 

Sure, Michael had therapy twice a week and he took his medicine twice a day but it didn’t really change much.

 

\---

 

Senior year wasn’t that different from junior year, though the senior’s that liked to make fun of him were now gone and replaced by kids his own age. He couldn’t really blame them, he was a freak, and they’d probably gain popularity by being funny about it. Michael couldn’t care less about the bullies; he’d probably be dead before the end of the year.

 

What was different though was his new neighbour and the new kid at school. His last name was Hemmings, but Michael didn’t know his first name yet. He had waved at Michael when he recognized him at school and Michael had waved back, feeling something inside of him he couldn’t quite describe. He felt a smile creeping up his face and he didn’t know if it was the usual fake smile or a genuine small one because the boy recognized him and noticed him.

Okay, it was quite hard not to notice a boy with purple hair, but still.

 

Michael didn’t like how his eyes were drawn to the blonde boy the whole time, watching him as he was writing something down in his notebook. Michael felt like a creep but he couldn’t help it. He found himself watching the boy during lunch too. Only one week had passed and he was already sitting with Ashton Irwin and his friends, the most popular guys at school, most of them were on the soccer team. Michael was glad he didn’t hang with the other group of popular kids though, as they were the kids that bullied him and a few others at the school. The purple-haired boy noticed his neighbour apparently was a quiet boy, but whenever he opened his mouth, the whole table cracked up and Michael wished he could talk to him one day. 

 

\---

 

The opportunity to talk to the boy – Luke apparently – came sooner than expected, for Calum befriended him within a few days. Michael could’ve known that, since Calum was friends with Ashton and got invited to his parties all the time. Calum always asked Michael to come but Michael didn’t like parties and crowds and people, so he always stayed at home.

 

The older boy didn’t understand why Calum didn’t eat lunch with Ashton and Luke and the others, for they probably were a lot more fun than Michael, but Calum got mad whenever he asked him.

“You’re my best friend, and I’m not leaving you for them. You are fun, now shut up about it.”  Calum always told him, and though Michael really appreciated his best friend, he was afraid he was going to turn out just like Michael one day, because of the isolation and all the negativity that radiated around Michael.

 

“We can both sit with them, they sure won’t mind. They’re nice, trust me.” Calum tried again. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to sit with Michael alone anymore, he just wanted his friend to talk to other people a bit more, and Michael knew that, knew the kiwi boy just wanted what was best for him. Michael was scared though, scared of what the lads would think of him. They’d probably think he was some kind of weird creep; maybe they already did.

 

“If you don’t like it, we’ll just have lunch together tomorrow.” Calum promised him.

For the first time in years, Michael gave in, but only because he wanted to talk to Luke. Or at least try to talk to him.

“Hi guys.” Calum greeted the guys and they immediately shifted a bit so the two boys could join them. Ashton greeted both Calum and Michael and the older boy already got suspicious. What if Calum had told them why he was so grumpy all the time and what if they were only being nice because Calum had asked them to? The boy tried to push those thoughts away and smiled at Ashton. Luke was sitting opposite of Michael and politely smiled at him.

“’Ello neighbour.” he said.

Michael didn’t really know how to respond, but he figured a simple ‘hi’ would do.

“You listen to Blink too right?” the boy asked out of nowhere and Michael nodded.

“We can always hear you, whenever your window is open. My mum hates it but I think you’ve got a great taste in music.” The boy chuckled, and Michael couldn’t stop his cheeks from turning pink.

“Thanks” he mumbled, and Calum winked at him, happy he was finally talking to someone else.

“You play the guitar right?” Michael didn’t know where the courage came from, but he just wanted to keep the conversation going, and music had always been his passion.

“Yeah I do. You hear that?” it was Luke’s turn to blush.

“Yeah, you’re really good.” Michael wanted to tell him he could also hear him sing sometimes but he didn’t want Luke to think he was some creepy stalker, so he just ignored it.

“Thanks. You too.” Luke smiled.

Michael had an electric guitar and maybe he played a bit too loud every now and then but he loved blocking out the voices in his head by playing his favourite songs. He sang along too sometimes, and he really hoped Luke hadn’t heard that.   

“You know, Ashton plays the drums, maybe we could jam out together some time.” Calum suddenly interrupted. He played the guitar too and he had always wanted to form a band. It had been his dream since he started listening to green day, thanks to Michael.

Ashton’s face lit up at that and he started rambling on about all the songs they could cover and that they could practice in his garage and make a YouTube channel and the other three boys just listened as he went on and on.

Michael actually liked the idea too, though Michael had lost interest in most of his hobbies, making music was the last he actually enjoyed. And maybe it would make him feel a little better if he’d make music with new friends.

Michael always locked himself in his room, listening to or making music, the only times he left the house was for school or therapy. It would be good for him to actually do something for once.

The purple haired boy had never seen a bigger smile on Calum’s lips when he smiled right after agreeing on jamming together that afternoon.

 

\---

 

_I’m proud of you Mikey_

It was a text from Calum that night. That day had actually been a good one and he had enjoyed himself during the jam session. The empty feeling had been back the moment he had walked into his room though, but it was progress, right? Baby steps.

 

Michael could hear ‘teenage dirtbag’ playing from his neighbour’s room and he couldn’t help but smile at that. They had played that song too and Ashton had claimed it sounded ‘sick’ so he had suggested to record it, and post it on YouTube. The rest hadn’t been too sure, they were a bit too shy to upload a video of them singing and playing their instruments for the whole world to see. Ashton had been close to winning them over though, and judging by Luke’s voice singing along to the song, Luke was already convinced.

 

The boy had told his therapist about the band, about Ashton and the text he had received from Calum. He didn’t tell her about Luke yet because it freaked Michael out to finally feel an emotion. It was a strange feeling inside of him he couldn’t quite place but he felt it whenever he looked at Luke or whenever he heard his voice.

Michael really didn’t like knowing he was falling for the boy, he had bigger problems on his mind and he knew where this was going to end. He’d probably feel even worse than before when this was all over. Michael tried to block all the thoughts about the boy and it made him so miserable. Once again he had found another reason to cut himself. It was a way of coping, a strategy he had used many times before.

Michael figured that if he’d cut himself whenever he thought about things he didn’t want in his head, maybe he’d stop thinking about it. The thoughts usually disappeared that way.

 

Only this time they didn’t.

 

\---

 

Michael and Calum spent more and more time with Ashton and Luke, and soon they were really close. Ashton sort off ignored his friends from the soccer team, he claimed he never really liked them anyway.

“I only spent time with them because I thought that is what you’re supposed to do when you’re on a sports team.” He had shrugged.

 

The four boy’s had lunch together when two junior girls approached them.

“Hi guys. We saw your cover on YouTube. You’re really good.” They winked. Ashton chuckled while Luke checked their channel to see how many views they had. They had uploaded the video only five days ago.

“374 views.” He happily exclaimed.

“Wow, that means almost half the school must’ve seen it.”

“Or those two girls both watched it about 187 times.” Luke stated, making the other boys chuckle.

Michael felt excited over the success of their band and that scared him too, because he knew how easy he could be disappointed.  

 

\---

 

“And I think I’m falling for Luke.” Michael didn’t look his therapist in the eyes, afraid of what she might think of him liking another boy; or falling for _anyone_ for that matter.

“That’s a good thing isn’t it?” she kindly asked.

“No. No it is not.”

“Why not?” Michael didn’t understand how the woman was still so patient with him, he never talked unless she asked and he was so stubborn sometimes. Always.

“Because I know he doesn’t like me back, this is going to end in a disaster and I know it but I can’t stop it.”

“How do you know he doesn’t like you? You’re friends, right?”

“I just know. He _can’t_ like me. I’m _me_.”

“So?”

“Nobody likes me.”

“Calum likes you. And Ashton and Luke wouldn’t spent time with you if they didn’t like you.”

“Yeah, but they just like me as a friend.”

“So, people can like you as a friend, but they can’t like you, like you.” She smiled a bit at the boy, trying to show the boy he was just being way too negative again. 

“I guess...”

“So, because you think it is impossible for him to like you back, you don’t want to allow yourself to like him?”

Michael nodded bitterly. That was exactly how it was, and he had to teach himself that he couldn’t think of Luke like that.

“Does this affect your mood?”

Michael nodded again.

“How?”

“I feel a lot better when I’m with the guys. Like, the emptiness is still there, but’s it’s somewhere hidden away. And then as soon as I’m alone it all comes creeping up again, and I just can’t help but think about how stupid I am for believing I actually could be happy. And Luke, I…” Michael thought about how he was going to explain this.

“I just enjoy being with him, talking to him and stuff. I don’t even think about my misery when I am with him. But as soon as I get home I get so angry at myself, for getting my hopes up and for thinking about him.”

“And what do you do whenever that happens?”

“What I always do.” He didn’t even have to tell his therapist anymore, she knew how he coped with his feelings.

“Why?”

“Because it helps me getting my mind off of things. And I try to use the cuts as a reminder when I’m with the guys. Like, I make sure to touch them to remind myself who I really am. Especially when I’m with Luke, I just pinch myself where my fresh cuts are so that I can hurt myself without anyone noticing it.”

“But why would you want to hurt yourself when you’re with your friends? You just told me you feel better whenever you are with them.”

“Yes, but I don’t want to get too happy or whatever, I don’t want to have too much fun because it’ll only hurt more when I get home.”

 

Michael hated explaining why he did the things he did. He knew he was fucked up, he knew it wasn’t normal to think like that but he couldn’t stop it. He knew his therapist didn’t understand him, no one did, but that was the only way to survive. It all made perfect sense to him and that was all that mattered.

 

\---

 

Michael was in Luke’s room. The blonde was helping him with his math homework, since Luke was a natural talent and Michael barely knew how a calculator worked.

All Time Low was playing in the background and the boys were sitting on the ground, books in their laps.

Michael spent more time in Luke’s room than in his own lately and his therapist had told him she was proud of him, for finally trying to get better, instead of sitting in his room doing nothing. She had told him many times before he wouldn’t magically become happy there, and that he needed to go out, make friends, do stuff.

So he did, and he liked it. He could smile and laugh with the boys and he felt okay whenever he was with at least one of them; especially Luke. Luke was like a drug, one who could make him almost happy whenever they were together. The downside of the drug was that it stopped working as soon as they were apart, that’s why Michael made sure to be with the boy as much as possible.

He had been afraid that Luke would’ve found him annoying after a while, but whenever Michael didn’t ask him to spend the afternoon together, Luke would ask him instead.

 

“I want to die my hair another colour, any ideas?”

“Have you finished your work yet?”

“No, but…”

“School first.” Luke told him. He had a smile on his face, telling Michael he didn’t mean it like that. Michael knew and appreciated that the boy was looking out for him. He definitely needed the help.

 

The boy lowered his book and let his head fall back as he groaned in frustration. Luke looked at him with an amused grin around his lips.

“Need any help?” Luke offered. Michael helplessly nodded and Luke crawled over so he was sitting next to the older boy, their shoulders touching, and Michael could feel it through his whole body.

Luke helped him through the rest of his work in that position, laying his head on Michael’s shoulder when the boy finally understood it and could do it without any help.

“I think you should die your hair dark blue.” Luke suddenly said, while Michael was still working on his math.  

“Why?”

“I like dark colours on you. It suits you.” Michael smiled at the boy, a bit pained; he had no idea.

 

The two boys spent their evening watching a movie together in Luke’s room. Luke’s laptop was standing on his bureau while the two boys were one the bed. Michael was leaning against the wall and Luke was sitting next to him, his head on the boy’s shoulder, like it always was.

When the movie was almost over, Michael was still in the same position, Luke lying next to him with his head in the older boy’s lap. Michael’s hand was on his head, softly stroking through the blonde locks. The boy wasn’t entirely sure if Luke was awake, but he looked to cute to disturb him so Michael just stayed where he was.

 

\---

 

“Michael.”

The boy felt a weight on top of him and he looked up in the blue eyes of his crush. He probably looked very confused, so Luke told him that he was in his room and that they had fallen asleep during the movie. Michael remembered that he had been sitting with a sleeping Luke in his lap for a few hours; it was probably three or four o’clock when he had fallen asleep. Michael never slept more than four hours a night, his insomnia never let him. He used to nap after school, but that wasn’t possible anymore, with the band and Luke keeping him busy all the time. He had been a bit suspicious in the beginning but Calum had promised he hadn’t told their friends anything Michael didn’t want them to know.

“Michael, we’ve got school.” Luke softly spoke, still on top of Michael.

The purple haired boy grumbled, and normally he would’ve turned on his side or thrown his blankets over his head but he could barely move. Luke’s elbow bumped into a fresh wound on his chest and he had to bite his lip not to make a sound.

“Come on.” Luke tried again.

“How can I get up with you on top of me?” he asked, and Luke sheepishly smiled at him, getting off of him. Michael didn’t really like that though, but he got out of bed, not wanting Luke to be late, since the blonde hated being late.

 

The two boys ate breakfast together and got ready together and walked to school together. It was perfect, really, and Michael could get used to spending every second of the day with the boy.

 

\---

 

“I’m really happy that you’re feeling better Michael, but you should know that you can’t let your happiness depend on one boy.” His therapist told him the day after. Michael had told his friends he had to go to his grandma for her birthday, since they didn’t know he saw a therapist twice a week. It was getting harder to think of excuses though.

Michael didn’t answer.

“What happens when you get used to being around him? Then you need to search for another distraction. Or what happens if you two ever get in a fight? I’m not telling you not to spend time with him, but maybe you could slow it down a bit.”

Michael huffed. He’d never get used to being around Luke and he couldn’t imagine ever fighting with the blonde.

“You could hang out with Calum and Ashton too, you know.” His therapist went on. He did hang out with the others, but Luke was always there too.

“Maybe you should tell Luke, and Ashton maybe.” She continued when Michael still didn’t speak.

“I mean, how do you think he’d react if he’d find it out himself?”

“No way! He won’t.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that if I were you. You just told me you sept at his place yesterday, one wrong movement and he would’ve found out.”

“He didn’t.”

“And what if he’d ask you to go to the beach?”

Michael thought it over and decided not to answer. He already had enough to worry about as it was, he didn’t want to add this to the list.

 

\---

 

“So, practice today?” Ashton asked as the four boys walked out of their school. Five weeks had passed since their first cover, and they already had over 200 subscribers, mostly family and friends.

“I can’t, I’ve got a dentist appointment.” Michael lied. He was running out of excuses.

“You’re a very busy man Michael Clifford.” Ashton joked and Michael could feel Calum’s eyes on him.

“I am, sorry. But we could practise tonight?” The three boy’s agreed.

 

_Maybe you should tell the boys a bit._

Calum had texted him only one hour before he had to be at Ashton’s. Michael didn’t know what to tell Calum. The younger boy didn’t know Michael liked Luke yet. Michael wouldn’t be surprised if he had already figured it out, since they knew each other well, but it still was a bit scary to actually tell him.

 

_I can’t._

_What do you think would happen?_

Michael huffed at the text. Everything could happen. They’d probably call him some attention seeking loser and they could tell anyone. They probably wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore and Luke would never even want to look at him again.

 

_Is it because of Luke?_

Michael sighted. So he knew.

 

_I’m pretty sure he likes you too._

Michael shoved his phone in his pocket, not wanting to let himself believe it.

 

\---

 

Michael liked to drink, liked the effect alcohol had on him. It helped him forget about everything that was wrong in his life. It made him open up a little but no matter how drunk he was, he always managed to keep his secret hidden.

It was Friday night and the boys had just uploaded another cover. The band was doing great, they had their first real gig in a few weeks. It was nothing special really, but still; it could be beginning of something big.

The boys had been playing video games and on the table were at least twenty empty beer bottles and an empty bottle of vodka.

Ashton’s mum and siblings weren’t at home so he had invited his friends to stay the night.

“Guys.” Ashton slurred around one o’clock.

“Let’s pop in a movie.” The four teens were too drunk to play games or do anything for that matter, so they settled on the couch. Calum and Ashton were both on one side and Michael and Luke were in the idle. The purple haired boy had thrown his arm around his youngest friend and the boy was leaning against him. Calum kept looking at them with that stupid, knowing grin and even though Michael himself didn’t really care, he just hoped Luke and Ashton didn’t see. Michael could feel the blonde’s chest rising and falling in a slow pace against him, making it hard for him to fight his own sleep. He was just afraid to fall asleep before the others, giving them the opportunity to talk about him and Luke. He also was afraid they’d somehow see his scars, so he kept pinching one of his fresh cuts on his upper leg to stay awake and just because he felt the need to. Calum noticed though, for Michael wasn’t being subtle, probably because of the alcohol. He kept grabbing Michael’s wrist, pulling it away from his leg, but Michael just kept pulling his arm back. He was about to get mad at Calum when Luke yawned and shifted in his sleep, drawing the boy’s attention to him. Michael’s whole face softened again as his fingers moved through his hair. He didn’t see the relieved expression on Calum’s face.

 

\---

 

Michael and Luke were once again in Luke’s room that Sunday afternoon. They had just dyed the older boy’s hair the colour Luke had suggested and the blonde boy couldn’t keep his hands of the blue locks.

“It looks really good on you.” The boy complimented him once again.

“Thank you Lukey. From now one, you decide the colour.” The younger boy nodded eagerly before he told Michael they should really do their homework now, otherwise there would be no time left for other things.

 

Luke was sitting across from Michael. He was working hard on his English homework while Michael spent most of his time looking at his friend. Luke’s legs were intertwined with his and he occasionally brushed his feet against him. It was a simple movement, yet very intimate.

“Do you think this is weird?” the blonde looked up from his laptop.

“What?” Michael asked, having no idea what his friend was talking about.

“This.” Michael followed Luke’s glance to where their legs were tangled together.

“No, why?”

Luke didn’t answer right away and both boys looked at their feet, not moving away from each other.

“I don’t know, I was just afraid you’d find it weird I guess.”

Michael still wasn’t sure what Luke was on about and he didn’t know what he expected him to say.

“I like it.” Was all Michael said, as he shrugged.

“You don’t think we cuddle too much?”

“There is no such thing as cuddling too much.”

A small smile formed on Luke’s lips and Michael figured he had given the right answer.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Luke came up with another question.

“Do you cuddle this much with Calum too?”

“No, I never cuddle with Calum. Why, do you cuddle with Ashton?”

“No.”

Michael tried to concentrate on his history homework once again but all these questions were floating through his brain and he didn’t understand what was going on in his friend’s head.

“It’s just…” Luke began.

“You can tell me.” Michael smiled at the younger boy, to encourage him.

“We spend so much time together and I’d like to think we are very close… It almost feels as though you’re my boyfriend.” Luke’s eyes were adjusted to the ground while he said it.

Michael gulped and thought of something to say. He didn’t have much time to think because Luke was almost having a nervous breakdown in front of him.

“Would you like that?”  God, that sounded stupid.

“I’d love that actually.” Michael studied the boy’s now red face, searched for some courage inside of him and crawled over to the boy, lips barely touching Luke’s.

He wasn’t entirely sure of himself until Luke moved forward, pressing his lips firmly against Michael’s, his arms wrapping around the blue haired boy’s neck.

“I’ve waited so long for this.” And If Michael’s insides weren’t melting, he probably would’ve thought about how cheesy Luke could be sometimes.

 

\---

 

Being depressed and into a relationship at the same time was the hardest thing Michael had ever done in his life and he had never expected a boyfriend would make his life better and worse at the same time. His uphills were mountains and his downhills were cliffs. He felt like a black and white movie, completely white and bright whenever he was with his love, completely black and dark whenever they were apart. It wasn’t because he couldn’t life without Luke, or because he missed him so much, it were the voices inside his head, telling him he wasn’t good enough for his perfect boyfriend. Luke’s perfectness reminded him of how flawed he was, and the boy didn’t even know about his secrets yet. Michael was scared, so scared his lover would leave him as soon as he could see through all his lies. Keeping the truth from the blonde was getting harder by the day and with every day that passed, Michael felt even worse. His therapist had told him that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet.

‘You need to learn to love yourself before you can accept someone else’s love for you.’

But how can you love yourself when there’s no one else who loves you?

 

Calum had noticed Michael was getting bad again. He had tried to talk to him, tried to find out what was bothering him so much but Michael couldn’t tell him. Calum would tell him to talk to Luke but he just wasn’t ready yet. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready.

 

Luke had noticed it too. Not that Michael was getting bad _again_ , but something wasn’t right.

His thoughts weren’t hidden somewhere inside of him anymore whenever he was with Luke, they kept creeping up even when they were cuddling or kissing.

“Mikey.” He asked, his fingers playing with Michael’s.

“Hmm?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just tired.”

“You say that every time.”

“That’s because I’m always tired.” Michael let out a fake chuckle. He was good at those; Luke probably couldn’t tell the difference since half of Michael was fake.  

“Something’s wrong though. You’re so distant lately.”

Michael cringed. He didn’t want Luke to know. He didn’t want the boy to notice something was off. He didn’t want to hurt the boy but he could’ve known he’d fuck up whatever they had eventually. Luke’s finger ghosted over his arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps, stopping where his sleeve ended, just over his elbow.

“I love you.” Luke spoke, placing a kiss on Michael’s temple after they had been sitting in silence for a while, and Michael couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t hold it in. He stood up from where the two of them were sitting on Luke’s bed and walked to the door. Luke stopped him before his hand could reach the doorknob, his hand on Michael’s shoulder.

“Please tell me what is wrong.” Luke said, sounding like he was scared of what Michael was hiding from him. The older boy turned around, the first tear in over a year on his cheek. Luke gulped as he wiped it away, Michael’s eyes focused on where his hand found Luke’s.

“You don’t want to know.”

“Tell me.” Luke repeated, it was just a whisper and Michael wished he hadn’t heard it.

The two boys were standing in the room, they didn’t speak, they didn’t move and maybe they didn’t even breathe for a minute.

“I’m sick.”

Michael had closed his eyes so he couldn’t see his lover’s reaction.

“Sick in my head.” He added, when he didn’t get an answer.

When he looked up, Luke was looking at him as though he had just seen a ghost.

“I’ve been diagnosed with depression almost four years ago.” He explained. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

No answer.

“You didn’t think I’d leave you, did you?”

Still no answer.

“How bad is it?”

Michael shrugged. He didn’t really know how bad it was, he didn’t have much to compare himself with.

“Is that why you never want to take your shirt off?” Luke asked, voice soft and broken. The blonde had tried to take Michael’s shirt off only two times, and he had refused both times. Luke had never said anything about it and Michael wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not.

“Yes.”

Luke let go of Michael’s hand and sat down on his bed, looking at Michael with watery eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not telling you. For being like this. For making you sad.” Michael summed up.

“Don’t be. I understand.”

 

The couple was lying on Luke’s bed, Luke’s arms protectively wrapped around the older boy. Michael could feel his tears falling on his shirt every now and then and he hated himself for making the younger boy cry. Michael wasn’t worth crying over and he could feel the anger and guilt building up inside of him. When he was sure Luke was asleep, he left the bed and went home. He paced through his room the entire night, his brain hurting from overthinking so much. He wanted to throw all his belongings through his room, he wanted to punch the walls, he wanted to make himself bleed but most of all, he wanted to die. He kept thinking about it, figured Luke would probably be even sadder if he actually killed himself, but at least Luke would only be sad for a little while; he’d eventually get over it.

Michael’s whole body was trembling as he tried to calm himself down, but he was hysterically crying and hyperventilating and pulling at his hair. He didn’t even know why, Luke wasn’t even mad at him.

All the emotions from the last couple of weeks, all the joy he had felt for the first time in years and all the guilt that came with it, it all spilled out that night. Everything was becoming so much and Michael didn’t even know what was happening to him, felt like he was slowly dying on the inside. This had to stop.

 

\---

 

Luke panicked when he woke up in an empty bed. He perfectly remembered everything that had happened only a few hours ago, and even though it was still dark outside, he got up and got dressed, searching for his phone to talk to his boyfriend. He texted him, but decided he couldn’t wait that long. He called the boy, but after the third time, he just shoved his phone in his pocket and rushed out of the house, to Michael’s. He only just then realized he had never been inside and something about that realization made him sick. What more was Michael hiding from him?

 

He rang the doorbell and knocked on the door a few times. No answer. He tried again and again, and started to panic. He walked around the house, looking for another way in. When he found an open window on the second floor, he tried to climb the drainpipe. It didn’t take him as long as expected to get inside Michael’s room. It was empty. Luke’s heart started to race as he ran towards the door, opening it. He tried every room until he opened the bathroom door. Michael was in the bathtub, fully clothed. The water was red and Luke noticed the cuts on his lover’s wrists. He felt like vomiting and crying and fainting but something inside him told him to do something. He rushed towards the boy, grabbing his head, checking his pulse. He actually started crying when he felt it and he dialled 911 with trembling hands, crying through the whole call, but still doing what he was told to do.

 

When the paramedics arrived, Luke’s parents woke up from the sirens and rushed towards their son when they recognized him from where they had been watching.

“Luke, what happened?”

“Michael told me he was depressed yesterday and he was gone and I found him and…” Luke cried, as his father wrapped his arms around him, pressing him against in chest in order to calm him down.

“Where are his parents?”

“I don’t know, nobody was home.”

 “I’ll bring you to the hospital right away. Luke, is there anyone we could call?”

“Calum. Call Calum.”

Liz ran into the house to call her son’s friend as Luke and his father followed the ambulance to the hospital. Luke was shaking the entire ride, not even feeling the tears that were rushing down his face. His father tried to calm him down, telling him everything was going to be alright but Luke didn’t even hear it.

 

“Where is he!? Luke! What happened?” Luke looked up from where he was waiting for the doctors, Calum was entering the room, eyes big and voice trembling, Ashton following suit. Luke’s father was still trying to find out where Michael’s parents were, but with no luck.

“He’s in there.” Luke nodded his head towards one of the many doors, too tired to say or do anything else. Calum sat down on Luke’s left, Ashton on his right. The two boys tried to comfort him while the tears filed his eyes again. They sat in silent, their sobbing filling the air around them.

“Cal, do you know how I can reach his parents?”

“His parents died in a car accident two years ago.” Calum spoke. Luke cringed; how did he not know that? Michael was his _boyfriend_ for fuck’s sake.  

“I’m sorry.” Calum said to Luke.

“He said he wanted to tell you himself.”

“His grandma pays for everything, but he doesn’t want to live with her.” Calum explained.

“Shouldn’t we call her?”

“She lives in London. But yeah, she definitely needs to know.”

The room fell silent again, the four men impatiently waiting for the doctor, Liz joining them half an hour later.

 

\---

 

Luke was sitting next to Michael’s bed. He had been sitting there for over four hours now, and he had been holding the boy’s hand the entire time.

Michael looked pale and his breathing was the only thing ensuring Luke he wasn’t holding hands with a ghost. The doctor had told him a little while ago he could wake up any time now and Luke was still waiting for that to happen.

 

“Hi.” Luke whispered.

Michael’s eyes fluttered open and stared at Luke. It took a while for him to realize where he was and Luke gave him all the time he needed. Luke’s eyes followed Michael’s to the bandages around his wrists and the older boy sighed.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Maybe Michael had the right to be sorry. Maybe Luke was mad at him; at least a little. He had hidden so much from him and he had tried to kill himself, leaving Luke alone on this world. But it was okay. At least he lived.

“I love you.” Luke told him, wanting the boy to know he did.

“I love you too. I am so sorry Luke, I shouldn’t…”

“It’s okay.” Luke interrupted him, the tears that escaped his eyes once again telling Michael otherwise.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.” The blonde boy’s voice broke mid-sentence, his thumb caressing Michael’s white skin.

“Me too.” And Luke wasn’t sure if he should believe the boy or not, until he managed to smile at him and Luke knew for sure that was a real one.

 

\---

 

Michael had always hated it when people told him that it would get better, but not anymore; they had been right this whole time.

 

He was no longer a boy, he was a man with a hard but amazing life behind him, and he still had many years to go. Michael had received everything he had ever wanted in life, a loving husband, two kids and an amazing music career. Even though the band wasn’t as active as it once had been, they still played gigs every now and then and they were still very close friends.

It had taken Michael many years to recover from his depression and suicidal thoughts and he still had his bad days. He hadn’t cut in years but still felt the need to do so every now and then. Luckily, he had Luke on his side to cheer him up and two children who made him realize how good his life actually was.

 

It gets better.

 

It just takes a little while.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was any good.
> 
> I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression and self harm for quite a while, so I know what I am talking about.
> 
> Find my on Tumblr.
> 
> Abbypd.tumblr.com


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